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The Spectre of Loss

by Jasper Feels

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1.
The Spectre of Loss 02:30
lyrics
the spectre of loss is haunting my mind all the powers of old, how they dazzle and shine an unholy alliance to exorcise i bring out the games, the passage of time i stare at the screen and addle my mind fall into the darkness that i know so well i will cross an ocean no longer second guess putting aside distractions facing what i must address we have such little time together such precious little time we have together already crying for a thing that hasn't happened the fear of loss weighs heavy on my mind so while we’re living, no i won’t neglect the feeling the warming joy of having you around
2.
Southern Hemisphere 02:22
lyrics
i never figured out the seasons i never felt renewed in spring when everything bloomed it was my winter i came apart at every seam i never figured out the seasons i let our love take control of me it kills me to say but i gotta admit it this isn’t the right place for me i’m alive and i am here what else do you want from me? 36 hours four times a year what else do you want from me? i never figured out the seasons i poured my heart into the sea all the people i love half a world away how could i expect to feel free?
3.
Sweet Impermanence 02:34
lyrics
oh, sweet impermanence thank you for reminding me this feeling will pass away and i can be free oh sweet impermanence thank you for reminding me a moment doesn’t last so long i can’t hold on so tightly if i listen to my body it will tell me just how i’m feeling i see how it moves my thoughts it doesn’t have to capsize me i stretch i breathe i let it fall away oh, sweet impermanence thank you for reminding me this too shall pass away and i can be free free from the darkness the burden that shackles me and keeps me in bed all day away from friends and family i call and i focus upon a little ball of light, in my mind and it’s fine
4.
Your Shade 03:19
lyrics
i’ll be your shade when the sun shines too bright i’ll be a shelter when the storms rage at night the love that you give to me feels better than a miracle it’s breakfast in bed each day sweet comfort eternal when work gets you down i’ll lend an ear when the fog of your life won’t dissipate i’ll make my voice clear you must do what you need to whatever it takes to get through i know that weight that’s been dragging you it’s been holding me down too if you need a change i’ll be by your side we’ll talk through the options, the good and the bad i’ll help you decide there’s no shame in letting it in we all need more serotonin if that’s what you choose to do i will support you
5.
Droughts & Hurricanes 03:59
lyrics
i've been awake for hours but still my vision is cloudy i’m a tendril spinning in search of the glow it’s such a pain to get the words out plainly i’m telling you things you already know maybe i am still looking for something a driving force to get me round the bend maybe i know that it comes from within there’s nothing waiting at the end when every day starts to feel the same it’s time to make a change they tell me 'you must work to be worth something' is this a pace i can maintain? will it always feel so strange? it took me some time to figure out how i was feeling you’d think the nightmares would’ve given it away all my teeth fell out and landed on the ceiling i kept on digging the same old grave i’m giving up on all my stubborn defiance how much can i learn from constant pain? it’s not giving up it’s just embracing science to find a better balance in my brain it’s only thing that ever seems to change yeah the weather gets worse each day we break our backs just to watch it burn droughts and hurricanes we’re running out of labor to exchange our demands remain unchanged we cannot wait another day it’s an unnatural world but nature is not a god we must build the home we need for whoever it is we are
6.
These Pills 01:06
lyrics
these pills have changed me rearranged my chemistry i take one sip of coffee i feel sick my head is spinning oh how i loved the rush felt such joy from the buzz but now things are different those days are over
7.
Grinding Away 03:01
lyrics
i’ve been feeling so impatient needled by irritation a sign of the times, signs in my life that things need to be changing obsessed with a false sense of success i’m grinding away at things that make no difference you know i’ve been thinking about leaving yeah maybe this isn’t the place for me i’m sorry i heard what you were saying i’m just really having trouble changing things what’s next? i can’t keep spending nights like this i regress into a pattern of petulant adolescence i’ve been peering in through windows trying to see how the others keep their plants alive but really if i’m honest i’m just longing to know what something else might feel like i confess lately my mind’s been such a mess but if i get dressed i guess i’m not completely hopeless
8.
Where Is The Joy? 04:09
lyrics
where is the joy? is it in the hunting? or do i just want to feel good at something? where is the joy? is it in creation? or is this now a cloying desperation? where is the mind? am i its master? or is it driving me straight into disaster? where is the focus? is it on the present? why am i always wondering where the time went? every cycle keep repeating i’m afraid i’ll never get away if i say something enough it loses meaning i just want to make it through today where is the joy that was her question i was shattered by the mere suggestion where is the joy that’s what she asked me i had no answer then but now i see it clearly it is its own joy to hear a melody it is its own joy to feel it move me it is its own joy to sing in my head it is its own joy to ask the question and hear the answer in a song i don’t think there’s more to it than that but i am willing to wait around and find out no i don’t think there’s more to it than that but i am willing to stick it out to find out where is the joy

about

an album about progressive illness, depression, and finding new ways to cope (namely therapy, meditation, and anti-depressants). these songs were written in 2018 while living in johannesburg.

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released December 7, 2021

all music written and produced by jasper feels

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Jasper Feels Spearfish, South Dakota

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